That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
should my penis look like a turkey
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
