Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
