My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
