You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
