When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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