i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
