Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
