I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
