I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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