This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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