I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
