oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
