I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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