i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
