i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
