there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
