That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
