Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
