dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
