I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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