everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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