You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
