I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
