i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love having hate sex.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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