it was like eating out sand paper
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
