Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
