In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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