the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
