i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
