he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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