the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
