Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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