I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
