Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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