Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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