Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
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When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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