I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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