I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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