when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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