In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
