she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
