I think my vagina is haunted
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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