Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
