I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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