Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
