Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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