so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
