There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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