I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
