I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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