i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
