I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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