Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
