I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
