you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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