I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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