im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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