Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
