I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need moral support for this bender
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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