Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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