I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.