There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
