Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
