dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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