I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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