Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
