Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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